joooory' date='Jun 16th 2010, 5:07 AM
Druncass' date='Jun 16th 2010, 11:32 AM
The day my Adam anecdote became an Adam reality.
I spent all day yesterday primping and preening, and I have to say, was not as giddy as I had anticipated. I couldn't figure it out.. By the time my ladies came over to get ready, and tried to rile me up.. Nothing. My sister kept saying stuff like.. "You know, he's only 5 minutes away from us. His weens.. It's in Milwaukee.. Adam's peen... it's here.." And I swear to god, nothing. What the hell?
Eight of us went to dinner. It was 6 pm. It was there that it hit me. I was mildly catatonic. No lie, it was like I was Camron in Ferris Beuller's Day Off. I couldn't read the menu.. I barely heard what people ordered and mimicked my friend to the left, "Yeah, yeah.. the swordfish. Totally. What? Mashed." Don't ask me what the other choices were, that was first on the list.
I got a text while we were at the restaurant from my friend Ed. "You better be glammed to the 9's. I saw some fierce betches going into the Riverside while I was waiting for the bus." Done, Ed. I was glammed the eff up. (Not as much as the 9 foot gay dressed in what looked to be solid gold with a teal blue feather attached to his head, but we can't all be that bold.)
You know.. I had thought I would be shaking in anticipation. Nope. I was a walking dead person. We missed most of Allison. Which I was a little miffed about when we caught the end of her set. She's kind of a adorable. I dug it. Orianthi? Meh. I can do without the "rocking out hard on the guitar in your face" scene. It's been done. And who the hell was the tiny (somewhat challenged) version on Justin Long? Yizzikes. I kept hearing all those things about how she went on to long, but she went on TOO EFFING LONG. Everytime they strapped another guitar to Justin's goofy cousin, I threw myself back into my chair. Cigarette. More booze. Bathroom. Cigarette. Booze.
If there was any question as to if I was going to fly out to San Francisco to see him, friggin' squashed the minute he came on stage. That outfit? The purples and reds and green fur? WHAM. My vagina exploded. The pictures and video I've seen didn't do it justice. I have watched nearly every video, and interview, and stalking cam shots.. Nothing could have prepared me for the panther-esque way he moves about the stage.
And when that outfit came off(in my bedroom, jkjkjkjkjk, he took it off in my living room) and I saw the glory that was his new haircut with the gd rhinestones on the side of his head? What was left of my gyna tumbled onto the floor.
I was telling everyone before the show that I had not seen any videos of any of the shows. I am a liar. However, I told them that I would hold off, and I couldn't let my true compulsion for all things Adam show. My girl had heard that he was going to do some "surprise covers," and accidentally had read one of them. She whispered that it was ROF to the two who wanted to hear it. I knew.. Oh, I knew.. That he had not done WLL in a couple shows, and I was begging.. Nay, pleading with the gods that he would do it. I mean, it's Milwaukee! And what a perfect theater to fondle the audience.
HOMAIGOD. The first cords belted out, and I nearly broke m'lady Jackie in half. (kind of. we were drenched in sweat and I couldn't get a grip.) When he penetrated all of us on the stairs, I became nothing. NOTHING. I was no where, y'all. I almost wish someone had a reaction video of me. (No I don't, I hate those) But for realz.. The sounds that must have been coming out of my mouth.. I was getting pregnant. I am now with child. A little alien unicorn child. That was THE sexiest thing I have ever seen in my whole miserable life.
My friend Jackie at a couple points in the show kept saying, "what the frick? Why is no one dancing?" I wasn't dancing. I wasn't. Why? Because I couldn't concentrate on dancing. I knew that the whole audience was in a state of shock, just like I was. I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. I might have squirted a couple of tears, too... Just like Seaworld and that killer whale show Believe. Oh, my jesus christ, the fluffing majesty of it.
The show was over, my mouth was dry, my eyeballs and vajeen: Preggers.
We stood outside for a couple of moments, and then heard the screams from around the corner where the buses were. We hung out while Mo's Irish pub blasted Adam on the loud speakers. Funny thing about that? Mo's Irish Pub is one of the biggest douchebag bars ever. I'm sure there have been plenty of convos in that place revolving around what a homo Adam is. Whatever you need to do to get customers in, I guess. I know the owner, and I hate his stupid guts. But I digress..
It was pretty entertaining hanging out there with the diehards, and trying to rile up security. Some girl flashed one of them, and my sister saw it.. She was describing what she saw, "And then she went like this (mock girls gone wild pose)" and the security guard in front of her goes, "NO!!" Which.. if he thought she was going to flash him, kinda hurtful how NOT into it he was. Good for a laugh, though.
They pulled a truck in front of us, to keep us from tearing him apart I suppose.
I got a picture with Sasha. Who was not that into it. It's cool, Sash. I wasn't either.
Text convo while waiting to catch a glimpse of the glittery one.
Brother: Are you on planet euphoria floating on a glitter high?
Me: I really am. And so are the hundreds waiting for Adam to come out.
Brother: Oh shiz, you're standing in the streets?
Me: THE STREETS!
Brother: Don't get arrested. What are you humps doing after you rip his still-beating heart from his chest and smear it all over your bodies?
Me: Eating. His heart. Duh.
Brother: Eff yeah.
Me: He came out. And got on the bus. It was worth it.
END PHONE SCENE.
So, we went to our favorite watering hole up the block, got drunk, and looked at pictures and video from my baby's show. (I'll try and get them here.. But someone's going to have to give me another tutorial on how to do that.) I will never be the same, guys. I'm not even kidding.