'madamimadam' date='Aug 11th 2011, 9:39 AM'
Open letter to Adam....
RagMan_RIP W.R.R. Tepes "When We Had To Hide" An Open Letter to @adamlambert by W.R.R.: http://bit.ly/qEEi88 Thnx Adam, for all that ya are, all that ya do. #LGBT
When We Had To HideBy tepeswrr
An Open Letter to Adam Lambert
If I could do such a simple thing as sit somewhere & have a beer with ya, & if we were goin’ to talk bout school days & hidin’, this is what I’d wanna say to ya:
I never thought to hide my sexuality in school; I never even consciously thought bout it in concrete terms. I came from an abusive home that didn’t prepare me at all for how the rest of the world saw things, & I was too busy hidin’ the abuse & tryin’ to survive to think bout much else. I didn’t even know I was technically sexually active til watchin’ contraband TV made me realize that’s what sex was. All I knew was that some stuff hurt & some stuff didn’t; none of it had names or any context to hang understandin’ on. Later on, between thirteen & fourteen, I started to figure out a lot becuz I had finally made my first friend in junior high & he told me some stuff, & introduced me to more, both legal & not. Discoverin’ that this thing, this act, could give pleasure, & that I could seek it out instead of waitin’ to be told to do it – that was a whole new world that opened up. I acquired quite a few addictions in my teen years, most of which I’m pleased to say I’ve since quit. At the time, though, with my home life the way it was, I didn’t much care if I shouldn’t be doin’ that stuff.
What ya said on yer Behind the Music, bout bein’ scared & hidin’, bein’ confused & tryin’ to pretend, I lived that too; but I didn’t have the sense to hide the fact that I liked to kiss boys as well as girls, & it added a whole new dimension to the bullyin’ in school. The closest thing to a gay/straight alliance we had in my high school was me findin’ out which of the bullies was secretly gay. One in particular, a football jock no less, I met at a wild basement party. Runnin’ into him at school, I thought we’d do stuff together, & we did – if no one saw. If his buddies were around, he’d lend a fist on the regularly scheduled beat down. I guess it seems insane to some, my real friend wanted to get him back for hurtin’ me; but I was gettin’ the same treatment at home so it wasn’t that strange to switch between bein’ his hook up & his punchin’ bag. He hated himself so much becuz he was gay & just decidin’ to be gay, acceptin’ it, seemed out of the question for him. He couldn’t resist what he wanted, but when faced with it around others, all he wanted to do was destroy it.
Half way through high school I gotta second friend, my current boyfriend, & he was hidin’ too. I can’t imagine how our lives mighta changed if there had been anybody sayin’ it was ok to be a gay or bi kid, or even if society had some examples like ya mentioned on the show: TV, movies, or all the way up to a legit gay/straight alliance after school. Given a safe place to discuss bein’ bi, maybe I coulda had the guts to tell somebody I was bein’ abused, too.
Anyhow, not tryin’ to upset ya with my past, just wanted to share a perspective that many don’t have; unfortunately, some others know exactly what I went through cuz they did too. Those of us who are survivors aren’t necessarily the tougher or braver ones, though it’s certainly a given that any survivor of abuse is tough & brave – mostly we’re the ones that got some sorta help along the way, whether at the time or later, from some source. I believe those who were either killed or took their own lives were also tough & brave; they just never got that help before it all started to feel too bleak on the way to feelin’ pointless. Fact is, as a child or teen, ya don’t often think bout life beyond school, beyond abuse or bullyin’; takes a while for that restricted viewpoint to fade. Hand in hand with that, are too many folks who don’t take the time to see, to ask, to get involved.
So while we’re hoistin’ imaginary beer, why am I tellin’ ya this? Cuz yer my steppin’ stone, helpin’ me by yer example alone to be what I wanna be, to be somethin’ I once thought I could never be: a whole & happy bisexual man, free to be himself without apologies. I am so grateful that ya had a good home, with a lovin’ family, & later found similar artistic friends to add to that family. I grew up, started to learn that there’s a whole big chunk of the world that ain’t like my birth family, & I was able to make my own. They help me every day to face the challenges that remain.
There are so many kids & teens out there though, who are just like we were, either hidin’ abuse or hidin’ who they really are, both outta fear. I wish I could do more to help ‘em. I’m bipolar, & I suffer from agoraphobia & a grab bag of other phobias that make it so hard for me to relate to others at all. What I do have is my experience, perspective, & a desire to share it in the hope of reachin’ somebody. If my poetry, my essays, or even my goofy tweets help somebody like me, then I’m more than willin’ to toss ‘em out there, like bread crumbs to follow outta the dark.
Just wanna tell ya along the way that yer loved & appreciated for what ya do, & ya don’t need to carry the flag of any cause to do it. Yer out there, bein’ yerself, showin’ the rest of us what’s possible with hard work & conviction; & that’s all ya need to be. We both know there’s a lotta crazy haters in the world; I just like to remind ya that there are sane & decent folks, too. Ya already know that, of course, but sometimes the hateful voices seem to be awful loud. I hope the folks that love & appreciate ya will raise their voices louder, & more often. In the meantime, I love seein’ ya so happy in both career & love, & I am patiently lookin’ forward to new music, too. Sorry for the epicness, this was gonna be shorter; but I can’t ever get through when ya do twitter parties, & wanted to be sure ya had a chance to know what ya mean to me & to others – to a whole lotta us out here, in fact. As for that imaginary beer, it’s on me. See ya next round.
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